The fine print of the law

After a recent amendment to the law, I began researching the specific phrasing of my state's law regarding breastfeeding.  In the state of Missouri, it has read (since 1999) that "Mo. Rev. Stat. § 191.918 (1999) allows a mother, with as much discretion as possible, to breastfeed her child or express breast milk in any public or private location where the mother is otherwise authorized to be."  Effective this summer (2014) it now reads "Mo. Rev. Stat. § 191.918 (1999, 2014) allows a mother, with discretion, to breastfeed her child or express breast milk in any public or private location where the mother is otherwise authorized to be"

The part about "as much as possible" has been, thankfully, removed.  Who gets to determine that level of discretion?  Who decides how much discretion is the appropriate amount "possible"?  The mother does, and no one else.  So first off, I would like to say THANK YOU to the state of Missouri for giving that tiny amount of authority back to the only person who can make that decision.  The mother herself.  Because honestly, the definition of discretion is vague to say the least.

During my research of MO state law, I also began looking into the state laws of the rest of the US.  Purely out of curiosity, I was just browsing to see who (if anyone) had a really kick ass law to protect Mommy's rights.  What I found was less than thrilling.  While I did find some awesomeness, I also found a recurring theme within most state laws that I feel needs to be addressed.  It's the particular phrasing of 2 words that bothers me.

"Mother"
"her baby/child"

Almost every state that has a law protecting the rights of breastfeeding women use these two words/phrases.  The laws are worded that "a mother is allowed to breastfeed" as opposed to "a woman is allowed to breastfeed".  This bothers me because I know that there are many instances when a woman nursing a child may not be the child's mother.  (gasp!) Yes, yes, I know.  Wet nurses are archaic! (insert sarcastic text font here) Who's going to know the difference? Well, honestly, no one at the time.  But when push comes to shove and a WOMAN is wrongfully discriminated against for public BFing, the LAW will not be on her side.  When the wording of a law clearly opposes a situation, that is all they need to use it against you.  That one simple word "mother" could be the deciding factor for a woman in a court battle.  It's seems like such a small change, but it could make all the difference in the world one day.

The other phrase "her baby" or "her child" has two parts.  The first being directly related to the "mother" issue (not your baby? not legal!)  In fact, Iowa specifically states "Iowa Code § 135.30A (2002) a woman may breastfeed the woman's own child in any public place where the woman's presence is otherwise authorized."  HER OWN!  her own child?!? only her own child?  Who do you think you are Iowa, to tell a woman is she can or can not publicly BF a non-related child? 

But the other part of this is the courts legal decision to decide at what age a child is no longer protected to be comforted and nourished in public?  "Her baby" What is the cut off age for "baby"?  My 2 year old is still my baby.  My brother is 23 years old and my mom still considers him to be her baby.  Heck!  By definition, he IS a baby simply because he is "the youngest of a group" (the group being our family) Even worse is the fact that Maryland specifically states that "a woman to breastfeed her infant"  INFANT! only her infant, and once the child is past that point, no other legal protection will be given to that family.  So again, we are down the technical definition of a term.  Baby vs child.  I believe that all laws should either read "child" or simply leave that phrasing out of the law all together.

Now, I do want to share some of that awesomeness I was talking about earlier.  

I found 16 states that have very supportive and less restrictive phrasing in their laws.  Most of these say something along the line of:

"Ark. Stat. Ann. § 5-14-112  (2007) defines indecent exposure and specifies that a woman is not committing indecent exposure for breastfeeding a child in a public place or any place where other individuals are present. (2007 Ark. Acts, Act 680; HB 2411)"
OR
"Kan. Stat. Ann. § 65-1,248 provides that it is the public policy of Kansas that a mother's choice to breastfeed should be supported and encouraged to the greatest extent possible and that a mother may breastfeed in any place she has a right to be."

The vagueness of Michigan's law is actually very helpful because it does not attempt to define the woman/child relationship or confine the child to an age bracket
" Mich. Comp. Laws § 41.181, § 67.1aa and § 117.4i et seq. (1994) state that public nudity laws do not apply to a woman breastfeeding a child."

But here is my favorite!  By far the best and most specific, protective wording out of all the 50 US state laws regarding public breastfeeding.  I give you MINNESOTA!
"Minn. Stat. § 145.905 provides that a mother may breastfeed in any location, public or private, where the mother and child are authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother's breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breastfeeding."
**I'll forgive them for the use of the word "mother" only because the inclusion of the nipple exposure is just so awesome =)

All of the state laws can be found here and I strongly recommend that everyone bookmark the page or print out a copy to keep on hand.  You never know when you're going to need to educate the ignorant public masses LOL

Mary: a Late in Life mother

The first of many guest writers to submit her birth stories.  Mary is an amazing mother of 4 spectacular children.  She's given birth in 3 different decades and 2 different countries.  So, in her own words, I give you:

Mary's Birth Story

Ok. Babies births.

Baby 1: It was 1983, I was 19 years old and married living in Norfolk, VA.  At about midterm, I was told I was 1 1/2 cm dilated and to go home and go to bed for the rest of the pregnancy. Every exam they told me "It could be any day now."  Two weeks before I was due, my then hubby's ship was leaving for 6 months, so I flew back to Indy to be with family. 8 hours, with lay overs, 9 months pregnant! I had been up and active for a month. I kept calling the doctor telling him my back hurt and his only answer was to come to the hospital when the pain moves to my stomach. I never had one pain in my stomach, so we finally just went to the hospital. It's a good thing I don't listen well.  I finally went into labor ten days late.  Also only took 7 hours from first back ache to delivery, no pain medicines. Only intervention was doctor had to bust bulging water sack. (My mom freaked because "omg you could have had him on the plane" me "no mom, I would have had him in Philadelphia on my layover" lol) except for a large head & cord wrap (so i couldn't hold him immediately) that resulted in left side cut instead of a center, all was perfect. Late babies are ok. Successfully breastfed until he weaned at less then a year. When he walked he put his paci in the trash and he was done.

Baby 2: 1986 and now I was 21 years old.  My entire pregnancy went fine. I went into labor at 34 weeks though while living very rural northern Japan on an Air Force base. 13 hours of labor. Had to be put on pitocin and oxygen when babies stats dropped drastically. Once again I had a bulging water bag that the doctor ruptured and said he'd be back in a half hour to check me. I stopped him as he was going out the door and told him "Too late! Babies coming now!" At that time labor and delivery were separate and were under construction for the new style. My doctor rode on the gurney with me down the hall to delivery, with his hand in my vagina, holding onto baby. All this time a medi vac jet was on stand by to take off with my baby, to God knows where, without us, as it was a 12 bed hospital with no ICU unit. They had no idea the condition he would be in. I didn't get to hold him either until later because they wanted to examine him good. Besides feeding issues, he did great. Lungs were fully developed and he got to stay with us. He stayed for a week, home for a week, back in for a week. By the way, I was up and in the shower two hours after birth so I could go get my baby.

Baby3: 1990 and I was just shy of 26 years old.  By now I'm listed as high risk.  At 14 weeks, my doctors decided to do a cerclage and sew my cervix shut. It was supposed to be outpatient, but it carries risks and of course I hit those risks and started bleeding. My outpatient procedure became a two day inpatient. I went into labor at 26 weeks and spent the next 4 weeks in and out of the hospital in labor several times. Thankfully I was the type that my water never breaks easy.  I think that was all that saved her. On one ambulance ride from our small town to Indy, I asked the EMT if he'd ever delivered a baby. "No, but I watched once."  I told them to pull over and have my husband that was following get in, because at least he's watched twice! At 30 weeks the doctors decided baby and mommy have up had enough drugs. In 1990, the way to stop labor was morphine and seconal and tons of steroids. But for some reason she turned feet first and was in distress. That meant an emergency c section at 3:30 am on Labor Day. I've never seen so many masked people in one room. We each had a complete team. (I'm crying now!) It's a girl! After having two boys I finally have a baby girl, but ... she's totally lifeless. Nothing. They're working hard to save her. They all came rushing by me as I lay there in tears and they said "Kiss her mom, it doesn't look good" and they left with her.  I got only a half a second with her.  Artificial surfactant for preemie lungs didn't exist then. When I saw my baby later in the day she was on a ventilator in an incubator. She's had a long hard battle, she has ADHD and learning disabilities in some ways, but she is incredibly smart in other ways. She is now a flight attendant. By the way, I pumped daily and successfully breatfed my preemie. It can be done.  It's not easy at first, but it does get easier and it's very rewarding.

Fast forward 20 years to:

Baby 4: 2011 and I am 46 years old.  I'm remarried now and my hubby, who helped finish raising my first three, had said his only regret in life is he never had a child of his own. So?  We fixed that!  We are LIL (late in life) parents and we love it. I spent time in bed rest again but she still came 5 weeks early as we kind of expected.  This time though, with new technology, she had no lung issues. This time, delivery was hell. Going into labor late on a Saturday is the worst. I of course wanted to VBAC. Being a preemie I figured she'd be easy, but once again my baby's stats were dropping with every contraction. So , c section at 4 am on a Sunday by a surgeon I've never met. The epidural failed miserably, my legs were dead weights, but I could feel my insides being torn apart. I puked, I cried, it was pure torture.  They gassed me as much as they could without it getting to baby. My experience with my previous successful natural births helped me tremendously. I did my breathing and it helped. Once again, I don't get to hold baby but at least she's crying. They examined her as I'm focusing on my breathing through Every. Single. Stitch. (WTH didn't they glue me?!?). They take my baby girl to NICU for exam and observation and I make daddy go with her.  In recovery, when the nurses rolled me to change my bed pad, they busted my stitches about a fourth of the way. Like totally open. FML! Thankfully, this time they glued it. My little girl was small, 5lbs 11oz and I tried to breastfeed but she dropped to 4lbs 5oz when we left the hospital. A few days later they re admitted her for dehydration and failure to thrive. I think a better breastfeeding support and a LS tube would have worked and by the time she reached due date we would have been good. I even emailed my local LeLeche once when i was in the hospital because i wasn't getting enough BF support but I didn't get a reply. So I still hate that we missed out on that.

PS  I have Cloth Diapered all of my babies at least part time, if not full time.

My Birth Story

While many new moms-to-be might spend hours walking the zoo or desperately cleaning all those nooks and crannies that suddenly appear filthy with grime, I preferred to relish in my last lonely, quiet, lazy moments before the whirlwind of motherhood rained down upon me.  I cut my hours at work to mostly part time and spent my off hours getting all the tiny details wrapped up for baby's homecoming.

The week of my due date came and I was beyond anxious to have him be "on time".  I had multiple reasons for wanting him to come on Oct 19th.  As Friday (the 19th) approached, I began trying to self induce, but as I expected, nothing I tried was successful.  When I woke up Saturday morning, still pregnant, I made an agreement with my son that I wouldn't try to force him out again.  Instead, I allowed him to live, rent free, for as long as he felt necessary.

The next seven days were filled with an endless wave of irritating yet unproductive Braxton Hicks contractions.  Back pains that pinched, grabbed and squeezed me during all hours of the day and night.  Finally, Thursday evening, Hubby and I were sitting in the living room watching TV when my contractions became real.  Very, very real!  When that first contraction hit me, it was like the difference between chocolate and vinegar.  I hate it when people tell you "oh, don't worry, you'll know"  But you know what?  YOU WILL KNOW!  Those real contractions are a Bitch!

I began timing my contractions around 8pm.  They began extremely erratic, so I sent hubby off to bed at 10pm so at least one of us could get a little sleep.  I stayed awake, timing my contractions and watching My Fair Lady on late night TV =) I tried to sleep but couldn't.  Every time I got comfy on the sofa a contraction would come crashing over me.  My only relief was to roll off the sofa and kneel in front of the sofa, burying my face in a pillow to muffle my moans of pain.  (as bad as that sentence sounds, it was actually quite bearable)  I rolled on and off the sofa for the next 5 hours.  Eventually, the contractions became so frequent, consistent and powerful that I couldn't manage them alone any longer.

Before waking hubby, I washed my face, braided my hair, changed my clothes, brushed my teeth, etc.  I knew if I woke hubby, he'd panic/freak out/worry about me doing all these "unnecessary" things.  When I finally woke him, in that classic "Honey ... Honey ... wake up!  We need to go.  We've gotta go to the hospital!"  I was shocked (and beyond irritated) at his response of  "are you okay?"

Am I okay?  Really?!? Um, NO!  I'm in freakin labor!! I'm gonna have a BABY!

We get to the hospital right at 4am and hubby drops me off at the ER entrance.  Yes, I said "dropped off" as in my hospital has NO parking close to the doors except for handicapped.  What's a woman in labor supposed to do?  Walk ALL the way across the parking lot?  No thank you.  So I walk, alone, into the ER at 4 o'clock in the morning.  I approached the front desk and told the (very elderly) lady

"I need ... (contraction! breathe ... wait for it) .... Labor and delivery!"
"Are you in labor?"
"....... (stunned silence, not to be confused with a contraction) ...... yessssssss"

Really people, is this what I need right now?  What else am I doing here?  Delivering cupcakes?!? (facepalm) geez

She grabs the nearest wheelchair and rolls me up to L&D where hubby (finally) meets me at the check in desk.  They take me into a room, give me a gown and check my cervix.  I'm still at 3cm like I have been for the past few weeks.  Since my OB had me scheduled for an induction that same morning (although I hadn't really determined if I was going to) they kept me but didn't "admit me" which meant no drugs or epidural yet.  I was fine with that because I planned on going drug free as long as possible.  I walked around the room, swayed and breathed through the contractions and basically just tried to pass the time as best I could.  I was shocked and surprised the first time I had to pee and was promptly hit with yet another contraction.  It never occurred to me that that would happen!  LOL  the worst, and I mean most unbearable, part of all this was when the nurses would ask me to lie on the bed so they could strap on the belly monitors.  Oh...my...gawd =( back labor while actually laying on your back is excruciating! The pain of my contractions was intensified 100 times when laying down.  Fortunately, I had wonderful nurses who figured out a way for the monitors to stay strapped on while I stood next to the bed.  

During one of these bed side contractions, hubby was across the room eating a handful of peanuts.  I called for him when the contraction started and he said 

Him: "I gotta put the lid back on"

(Excuse me?!?)

Me: "I don't fucking care about the PEANUTS!!!!!" 

(Facepalm) 

Some time after this, my OB came in and asked if I wanted her to break my water.  (Shrug) I don't know ... sure?  No, no, NO! Holy cheese balls that crap hurt!!!! My cervix(?) was tilted and it took a bit of maneuvering for her

to get it popped.  The string of obscenities that came flooding out of my mouth would have made a drunk pirate blush.  I apologized immediately of course, but the look of both shock and amusement on the nurses faces was priceless ;)

By 7 am I was finally, officially, admitted (a.k.a. paper work completed) and was able to receive some IV drugs.   At this point I was exhausted (it was Friday morning and I hadn't slept since Wednesday night) and simply could not bear the pain of contractions any longer.  The IV drugs did not suppress the pains completely, but I was finally able to lay down comfortably.  It was after this that I asked hubby to go ahead and call our parents and my 2 best friends.   The anesthesiologist arrived before 8 am to administer my first round of epidural.

I passed out hard.

I finally slept.

I vaguely remember my mom, MIL and best friend coming and going, but mostly I just slept.  I was exhausted.  Before noon, I was awake and felt the epidural wearing off.  Luckily, the anesthesiologist was able to come back to my room to give me a second dose quickly.  After that, it was time to push.  I told the nurse that I felt "something" but it wasn't pain.  Not really.  I didn't know what it was.  She suggested I try pushing and lo and behold, the sensation went away.  The next hour + consisted of me dosing off, waking to push and dosing off again.  The last half hour was my only really productive time.  I stayed awake between pushes and was able to learn how to push effectively so that T man was actually making progress.  

Right before one of my pushes, I stopped, looked hubby right in the eye, and said

"I don't think I can breastfeed!"

=)

He very calmly reminded me that I needed to actually finish having the baby first, then we would tackle that job together. (I love this guy!)

So with a few more really good pushes, I finally squeezed that beautiful, gooey, purple, cone headed baby out.  They

laid him on my tummy and I helped the nurse to rub him down and clean him up.  He cried and cried and all I could think was "I want to feed my baby!" After just a few short minutes I was able to breast feed my son for the very first time.  (Oh, and somewhere in there I also delivered my placenta and got stitched up, but with that baby in my arms, I don't even remember any of that) 

Christmas with a toddler

I think that title speaks for itself doesn't it ?!?

Wow ... just, wow.  Now of course, this wasn't T man's first Christmas, but I'm calling this his first REAL Christmas.  This year we got to do all the fun Christmas-y things.  Lights, presents, Santa, the works.  But what I loved the most was getting to experience all the joys and wonder of the season through the eyes of my son.  Everything was magical to him.  Every house with lights on, every snowflake, every gift wrapped package, every bobble and ornament on our tree.  It was a world full of enchantment and surprises. 

Christmas morning, we woke at 8 and nursed like usual.  Then, after a quick diaper change, daddy and I guided our little sleepy eyed angel down the hallway towards the living room.  Watching his beautiful face change from curious and confused to amazed and delighted was the best Christmas present a parent could ever wish for.  His smiled stretched from ear to ear as he (still a bit cautious) crept over to his gifts.  His Little Tykes car, his mega block building set and his Elmo indoor play tent. :-) "Where did these come from?" his expression seemed to ask.  He was both confused and excited at the same time.  Daddy and I shared a glance, thinking "success!"  One Christmas down, a lifetime to go ;)

That was the fun part of Christmas with a toddler.  But this is a 2 part story and the second part is a bit more ... exhausting.

We celebrated Christmas eve with my family and Christmas day with Hubby's family.  Now, T man does really well with his beloved grandparents and cousins, etc.  But shoving every family member into a 24 hour period, with enormous amounts of food, candy (hey, it's Christmas, don't judge me!) and of course gifts, can become extremely overwhelming for anyone, especially a one year old.  By the time we got to the in laws house, T man was already on Christmas overload.  All I can say, is thank goodness for breastfeeding! :-) halfway through the seemingly endless pile of toys and clothes, T man decided he'd had enough.  He simply walked away from everything and everyone and asked me for a boobie (sign language)  So right there in the middle of the room, amidst the chaos and celebration, we snuggled together and reconnected.  Sometimes T man just needs to recharge his batteries, so to speak.  He gets so overwhelmed with the world around him and he doesn't know how to process everything.  BFing is his way of slowing down and catching his breath.  So, there we sat, while his cousins continued to rip open package after package, oblivious to what was happening 3 feet from them. :-)  (I absolutely love how completely normal BFing has become for our whole extended family.)  When he decided he was ready, T man rejoined his cousins in the carnage of paper and ribbons and bows.   We nursed again several times that day before finally loading up the car and heading home. 

After a whirlwind Christmas we were looking forward to settling down for a peaceful evening.  BUT WAIT! What about all these gifts?  All these toys?  All this new laundry =( sigh .... no rest for the weary!  Time to clean house, rearrange furniture and find places to put ALL this stuff!!! .... sigh ..... no rest