What kind of mom am I ?!?

First, a little back story.  By the time my son was born, I was 31 years old, married 12 years & completely comfortable in my life the way it was.  I never, i mean Never! thought I would be a mother.  I didn't want kids, heck, there was even a time in my life that I "didn't like" kids.  So what happened to me??  Honestly, I have no idea! =) after hubby & I celebrated our 10th wedding, I was due to have my IUD replaced.  Suddenly, I just didn't want to!  I couldn't explain it, but I just could not bring myself to continue on birth control.  We talked it over & decided that we would take whatever life & God handed to us.  If we were meant to be childless so be it.  Parents?  .... (deep breath) okay, we can do that too!  Well, 8 weeks later I was prego! Unfortunately that sweet little angel was not meant to be.  I lost my first baby at 13 weeks ='(  We waited 6 months to try again.  Got prego instantly (I am fertile!!) but, once again, that baby was not meant to be mine.  I lost my second pregnancy at 8 weeks.  This time we didn't wait any longer than we technically had to.  I got prego again (quickly of course) and this time he stuck =)

So, what kind of mom am I ?

At first, everything was very surreal.  I was paranoid of course after my losses so I didn't dive in head first.  It began as more of a creeping in the shallow end, then a slow wading into the deep end.  I knew I was anti-circ (umcision) but that was the only issue I was defensive about.  How did I feel about other aspects of parenting though?  cloth diapers? maybe, but probably not.  Vaccines? I didn't know I was supposed to care! Breastfeeding? (hang my head in defeat) Okay, if I have to. I mean, it is free after all.  I was just worried about carrying this baby, all that stuff will figure itself out later, right?!?

Eventually, my obsessive research instincts kicked in and I became a self educating fanatic. =)  I read every scrap of information I could get my hands &/or browser on.  Birth boards, magazines, books, apps, you name.  I took classes, both real & virtual.  I scoured the library for any kind of books I could find.  Partly cause I'm research happy, partly cause I was terrified to some degree. (but aren't all first time moms)

I discovered other things that I became defensive about.  Cry it out (never!) babywearing (always) bed sharing (still undecided).  Breastfeeding? (hang my head) it's free, right?!?  I remember lying in the hospital bed, in active labor, pushing my baby out & telling hubby "I don't think I can breastfeed! I can't do that!" He reminded me that I still needed to finish actually "having" the baby LOL Once that sweet, gooey, kind of purple, cone headed baby came squeezing out of my body though, my first & only thought was "I WANT TO BREASTFEED MY BAAAAABY!" gimme gimme gimme =) and we've never looked back =)

So, to answer that question.  What kind of mom am I?  Well, I'm a BFing, anti-circing, babywearing, never letting him cry it out mom.  Some things are still up in the air for now, but i know what direction my path is pointed & I'm traveling down the road one day at a time.